CHURCHGATE

--Church member plans to call for Special Prosecutor

and possible Impeachment Proceedings against Pastor--

Pastor Terry Hagedorn, Calvary Baptist Church, Reedsville, WV

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times--the way it always is! Everything had been going really well. This, of course, concerned the pastor. (Pastor, beware!--when the tragedy of things going well befalls you. Problems are just around the corner!)

All the trouble started when the pastor asked if there was any new business at the church's monthly business meeting. Well, everyone knew that something was bothering brother Aristotle "Ari" Gannt. (That's not his real name. Although, it should be.)

First of all, he had worn his "Philadelphia Lawyer three-piece suit". Ari always wore that suit at funerals or business meetings--where he would make everyone feel worse than if it had been a funeral. When he wore that suit, he imagined himself in a Jimmy Stewart movie--"Mr. Smith Goes to Churchington"--or something. Evidently, he imagined that if he could just give an impassioned speech, while clutching the lapels of his suit coat, condemning all that he perceived as abuses--that he could single-handedly rescue the church from some impending doom or save the church a little money. Usually, it was the latter--a very little of the latter. A very little of the latter that was not worth the big bother to anyone--except brother Gannt.

Secondly, he had been sitting there fuming through the whole service. It distracted everyone around him. He was folding and unfolding a paper that he would--intermittently--roll up and stick in his inside coat pocket, pull it out and read again, and then fold and unfold it again. (He was as nervous as I was when I preached my first sermon--in front of real people. I had an eight page outline, twenty-three illustrations, told my testimony of salvation and call to the ministry, AND it was all over in eight minutes. The longest eight minutes of my life! Fortunately, I don't think that anyone was paying any attention to me.)

That was not the case with Ari. As soon as the pastor asked for new business, Jimmy Stewart--I mean Ari Gannt--stood up and motioned in the affirmative with his hand and moved to the aisle for maximum dramatic effect. "W...w..well, yes! As a matter of fact, p..p..pastor, I do have something that I would like to ask you, the deacons, and the trustees of this church--those whom we AND the Lord have entrusted with the efficient operation of our church."

He turned to address the main part of the church audience. He stared off into space and said in a perfect Jimmy Stewartesque voice and mannerism, "M...m...may I ask you? W...w..why do we have a budget? If we aren't going to stick to it!? You and I--Mr. and Mrs. Average Joe--have to stick to a budget. Don't we?"

He pointed to a widow woman, "M..m..mrs. Hubbard, do you have to stick to a budget?" Old mother Hubbard reluctantly nodded her head in the affirmative. She was embarrassed. But, everyone knew that you had better humor Ari Gannt. Or, he would just keep asking, "W..well, do you?"--until you did answer.

"That's right! It the same for me and you and you and you," he said as he pointed at various other "yous" in the flock.

"Now--here in the budget," he pointed at a copy of this year's budget--marked with red and yellow highlight markers--which he had in his hand, "it says that x-number of dollars is to be set aside for a certain thing. When I, we--as a church, or as the great nation that we live in, violate our budgets, then we are just asking for financial failure. Either we learn to live within our means or we die!" Ari clutched his heart and looked down in despair.

"Point of order!," someone shouted from the back of the auditorium. The voice sounded somehow like pastor's wife's voice. "Where is she?", pastor thought to himself.

Whoever said them, those Parliamentarian words shot Ari through the heart. He looked shocked and wounded.

An equally startled pastor asked, "What is your point of order?"

"Would you ask Ari to get to the point? It's gettin' late!," the voice shouted. His point was seconded by numerous nods of agreement and a bevy of hearty, "Amens!"

Pastor didn't have to ask. Ari had recovered his composure, "Okay. Okay! If that's all that this matters to you--I will get to the point."

"I have been doing a little research--a little investigation into the day-to-day operation of our church. Do you know how much this church spends on toilet paper every month?," he asked as he lowered his glasses to the to the tip of his nose and looked at some notes on his paper. Thankfully, he didn't go into his, "W..w..well do you?"-mode. Everyone was embarrassed by the topic. That was exactly why Ari had chosen the topic. "It makes folks think!," he thought.

"Exactly--on average--twenty-three dollars and fifty-seven cents a month!," he reported. He waited for a reaction. There was none. That's the worst reaction to have when it comes to Ari Gannt.

"W..w..well, I found that if we used coupons and shopped where stores had specials we could save money. I could get the same toilet paper for--$19.99!," he reported.

"N..n..now, three dollars and fifty-eight cents might not be a lot of money to some people," he said as he glanced in the pastor's general direction, "but I remember when..."

People actually began to moan as they realized that this could take hours. Ari was starting his "I remember when..."-routine.

Again the sanctity of the moment was disrupted from the back of the auditorium when someone yelled in rapid succession, "I move that we leave things as they are!"

"I second it!", the same voice yelled, 'all those in favor say, 'Aye'!"

"Aye!", the people responded.

"I move we get out of here...I second it!", the same voice stated.

"All those in favor say, 'Aye!'," the same voice said.

"Aye!", the people quietly responded, jumped up, put their coats on, picked up their belongings, and filed out of the church--vacating the premises like it was a fire drill!

Ari Gannt--was for once in his life--speechless! Pastor, looked down from the pulpit and gave him the shrug with the palms up at his side expression, "What can I do?" He picked up his Bible and notes, then as he left the platform he said, "Ari, thanks for pointing out the toilet paper problem, I promise that I will look into making certain that we are getting the best deal possible--with the Lord's money."

That made Ari's day! The people might have walked out, BUT--at least--he got his point across to the pastor! He would live to fight again. There was always next month's business meeting.

How I Was Almost Killed By A Pew

How I Was Almost Killed By A Pew

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Terry Hagedorn

Every church must raise funds from time to time for special projects. There is nothing inherently wrong with that activity. However, that activity is fraught with dangers. Remember how that Paul gave the most stringent instructions concerning the handling of collections and special love offerings. (I Cor. 16:1-4,11 Cor. 8) So, even Paul, had to raise funds. We all have to raise funds for special projects. It seems to be part and parcel of the ministry. One well known pastor says that when he dies that his epitaph will probably read, "And.. .the beggar died" (Luke 16:22).

It has been my experience that we are most likely to lean toward the flesh—no matter how spiritual we think we are—when it comes to money. We all need to remember that anything we accomplish with the help of the arm of the flesh, can never be the blessing it would be if we were to allow the Lord to do the work.

In 1993, lifting a pew gave me an epigastric hernia (that’s above the navel). I had to have surgery to correct it. I was almost killed by a pew! Yes, a strangulated bowel can be fatal. What’s worse is that the surgical cure can also kill you—just ask the anesthesiologist. Just before the surgery he cheers you up and says, "You might bleed to death, you might have a stroke, you might get gangrene, you might never wake up, you might have a heart attack, we might accidentally take something out that we shouldn’t, etc. ..here sign this so we can get started." AND, YOU’RE ACTUALLY CRAZY ENOUGH TO SIGN IT!

How did I ever get into that mess?

The same way a lot of my fellow preachers get into messes. The curse of fund raising! When we moved into our new building in 1985, we could not afford to buy new pews. So, we brought the old pews from our old building. Although these pews had a certain class about them, there is nothing so depressing as old pews in a brand new auditorium. It’s like buying a new car with seats from a junked car in it. These pews were not junk. They were solid one inch oak. The seat, back, and end pieces were made of single boards! They were beautiful and heavy. There were twenty-one pews: there were seven ten footers and fourteen five footers. The ten footers weighed in excess of two hundred and fifty pounds—just enough to give you a hernia—give or take a pound or two.

As beautiful as the pews were, they were a torture rack to sit on. The back was straight. This means that unless you sat as straight backed as a debutante at her coming out party—or Frankenstein at the blind man’s house— your back was going to hurt. Secondly, the seat edge cut into the back of one’s legs. Folks complained about their legs going to sleep. It was so embarrassing. When some people got up, they were not aware that their legs had fallen asleep, and they would crumple to the ground like they were "slain in the spirit". A good Baptist cannot tolerate that! And, the constant whining about "how much better it would be if we just had new pews" can make an otherwise good pastor do some dumb carnal things.

When you’re given into carnality and when you don’t trust the Lord to give you new pews through more spiritual means, then you must connive some method to procure them for yourself. Well, this dastardly plot usually involves a holy promotion (a gimmick), a hefty thermometer and a hard-sell. Two of those things are carnal. Permit me to explain. The gimmick was this: First, determine how many new pews you’ll need. Twenty-two twelve footers? They will cost $427 a piece. That is $9,394 Right? Okay, then divide the number of old pews into that amount. Since that is more toes and fingers than everybody in the church has—just round it off to $400. Now, here is the promotion: everyone who donates $400 gets one of the old pews! ‘Which church members must arrange for a truck to pick up by themselves the day before the new pews come." Do not offer to deliver.

No doubt you are asking, ‘$400 a piece. ..but...but. some of them are five footers and some are ten footers.. .how can they all be worth $400? Some of them are in better condition than others—how can you be fair?" Calm down. Where there is a will of the flesh—there is a way of the flesh! I will explain all this a little later. The thermometer is usually made on a big white poster board. In this case, there are twenty-two gradations—each marking a $400 increment. The bulb of the thermometer is filled with that amount of money that you couldn’t ‘cipher (the remainder from $9,394 divided by 21 old pews @$400/piece). You must get one of the men, who can figure that amount out, to make a motion in the next business meeting "to retroactively place (that amount) into the Pew Fund—as reflected by the Big Pew Thermometer hanging in the back."

Be prepared for possible trouble from the floor. If no one else shows up for a business meeting, you can always count on a parliamentarian, prude, and a peacock to be there! Sometimes they are the same person (an unholy trinity— of sorts). They or he/she are convinced that it is their calling to question everything—every single thing you do. So they question the ethics, fiscal wisdom, legality and constitutionality of that move. Picky! Picky! Picky! Don’t those folks understand that even sound and wise arguments are of no value to a man or church possessed with a "project". Besides that, we’ve already got the big thermometer made! It is do or die! It’s the principle of the thing! It’s the NEW pews—and how good that they’ll make "our church" look. Don’t worry. Just ride out reasoning—wise and otherwise! Threaten to quit—if you have to!—but stand your ground.

You ask, "How will it be fair to give one person a five foot pew and another a ten foot pew for the same $400 ‘gift’?" Easy! You "cast lots" claiming Acts 1:26 as your authority. You just number the pews one to twenty-two. You put slips of paper numbered one to twenty-two in the offering plate and let everyone draw the number of their pew! Isn’t that simple?

Now, to get off to a good start on the Pew Drive: 1. PRIME THE PUMP. 2.USE A HARD-SELL.

Pastor, you should give the first check on the first Sunday of the big Pew Fund Drive. Do it with no small fanfare. Make certain that everyone sees you place that first check into the collection. Make some remark about, "If my wife and I can do this...." Then use the hard-sell. Brow beat the deacon(s), trustees, teachers, nursery workers, your children, etc. to do the same—and you’re half-way home. (Guilt is such a powerful force for getting things done— especially for raising money. Just look at the TV evangelists. Don’t use, "If I don’t get this money—God is going to call me home!" That’s already been used. It works but it will ruin your ministry. You need to be original with your gimmick.)

Well, it may not be pretty but it works. We were able to raise the funds in four months time. Consequently, I became the proud owner of a ten foot long pew However, I had nowhere in my house for the same. So, I put it in the workshop area of my barn— "Where there is plenty of room," I assured my wife. However there must be some unwritten law of physics that states something like, "A pew’s area is equal to the biggest nuisance squared." Somehow that pew was where it would always be in the way. It was a curse. It became a clutter collector. Worse yet, it would attack me! Whenever I walked past it—especially if I was carrying something large and cumbersome—it would jump out in front of me and hit me in the shin! Well, one day it attacked me— one time too many! This was getting personal. It was either that pew or me. One of us had to go! This town—this barn, at least—was too small for the both of us!

It repented me that I had ever "earned" the pew. What was I to do? "I know!", I thought to myself, "I’ll put it in the loft of the barn!" Isn’t it funny how the stupidest idea always seems like such a good idea—at first?

The pew was solid one inch oak. It seemed like it weighed a ton. The pew had to go up through a three foot by three foot access to get it into the loft. The pew was thirty six inches high; however, by carefully twisting and turning the pew, I felt that I could easily work the pew into the loft through the square opening. Isn’t it funny how the stupidest idea always seems like such a good idea—at first?

I stood the pew on end, climbed into the loft and reached down to start pulling up the pew. I had to reach so far down that I almost fell through! I barely caught myself. My life past before my eyes—it stopped with a newspaper headline, "Pastor Killed By Pew".

Finally, I grasped it. I did a "clean and jerk" to my feet. (I think weight lifters call it a "clean and jerk"—l don’t know why because there was nothing clean about it.) Then my foot went through the rotten floorboards of the hayloft. Dust flew everywhere. I was gagging and choking. I fell to my one knee with my other leg protruding through the ceiling of the workshop area of the barn—a kind of "a dirty and jerk". (I think that I heard the pew snicker.) Somehow, I got back up. I got the pew in a bear hug hold and started to shimmy it up into the loft. Some things can be shimmied—some can’t. A pew can’t.

I was so involved in shimmying that I forgot about the middle leg. The middle leg got stuck on the access panel opening. It was really stuck. I just thought that it had gotten heavier— or, I had gotten weaker.

"I just need a little more oomph," I thought. Well, I now know what happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object: you get a hernia. If you’re fortunate, it is, "Hey! I just popped the snap on my britches." If you are being chastised by the Lord, then you just "popped" an epigastric hernia—above the navel.

The corrective surgery hurts more than all the pews in the world are worth! Believe me. Do what you will; however, my pew fund raising days are over!

The next time I have to raise money, I am going to do things differently. I might use a thermometer, however, I promise that I will never use another gimmick. I will never hard-sell anything ever again. If the Lord’s in it—then the funds will come in without using the world’s tactics. AND, if the Lord’s not in—then you don’t want a pew for a prize. BELIEVE ME! I WAS ALMOST KILLED BY A PEW!

TULIP vs FERNS

TULIP vs FERNS

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In 1610, just one year after the death of James Arminius (a Dutch seminary professor) five articles of faith based on his teachings were drawn up by his followers as a "Remonstrance" (i.e., a protest) to the teachings of John Calvin (1509-1564). A national synod was called to meet in Dort, Holland in 1618 for the purpose of examining the views of Arminius in the light of Scripture. The Dutch Calvinists set forth their defense in five chapters which have ever since been known as the 'the five points of Calvinism'- the T-U-L-I-P. I have set forth the 'five points of Arminianism', which I called F-E-R-N-S (please pardon the pun), in contrast to the TULIP:

ARMINIUS' F-E-R-N-S
1. FREE WILL
Although human nature was seriously affected by the fall, man has not been left in a state of total spiritual helplessness. God graciously enables every sinner to repent and believe, but He does it in such a manner as not to interfere with man's freedom. Each sinner possesses a free will, and his eternal destiny depends on how he uses it. He does not need to be regenerated by the Spirit before he can believe, for faith is man's act and precedes the new birth. Faith is the sinner's gift to God, it is man's contribution to salvation.

2. ELECTION: CONDITIONAL
God's choice of certain individuals unto salvation before the foundation of the world was based upon His foreseeing that they would respond to his call. He selected only those whom He knew would of themselves freely believe the Gospel. Thus the sinner's choice of Christ, not God's choice of the sinner, is the ultimate cause of salvation.

3. REDEMPTION: UNIVERSAL
Christ's redeeming work made it possible for everyone to be saved but did not actually secure the salvation of anyone. Although Christ died for all men and for every man, only those who believe in Him are saved. Christ's redemption becomes effective only if man chooses to accept it.

4. NEGATING THE HOLY SPIRIT'S CALL (RESISTING GRACE)
The Spirit calls inwardly all those who are called outwardly by the Gospel invitation; He does all that He can to bring every sinner to salvation. But inasmuch as man is free, he can resist the Spirit's call. The Holy Spirit can only draw to Christ those who allow Him to have His way with them.

5. SALVATION CAN BE LOST: FALLING FROM GRACE
Those who believe and are truly saved can lose their salvation. Since salvation is accomplished through the combined efforts of God (who takes the initiative) and man (who must respond)- man's response being the determining factor, salvation is enforce and effectual only for those who, of their own free will "choose" to cooperate with Him in salvation. Hence, one can be lost and saved numerous times.

CALVIN'S T-U-L-I-P
1. TOTAL DEPRAVITY
Because of the fall, man is unable of himself to savingly believe the Gospel. The sinner is dead, blind, and deaf to the things of God; his heart is desperately wicked. His will is not free, it is in bondage to his evil, Adamic nature, therefore, he will not- indeed he cannot- choose the Gospel. Consequently, it takes much more than the Spirit's assistance to bring a sinner to Christ- it takes regeneration by which the Spirit makes the sinner alive and gives him a new nature. One is not regenerated because of faith. Rather, one has faith because one has been regenerated.

2. UNCONDITIONAL ELECTION
God's choice of certain individuals unto salvation before the foundation of the world rested solely in His sovereign will. His choice of particular sinners was not based on any foreseen response or obedience on their part, such as faith, repentance, etc. God's choice of the sinner, not the sinner's choice of Christ is the determining cause of salvation.

3. LIMITED ATONEMENT
Christ's redeeming work was intended to save the elect only and actually secured salvation for them alone. In addition to putting away the sins of His people, His death secured everything necessary for their salvation. The gift of faith is infallibly applied by the Spirit only to all for whom Christ died.

4. IRRESISTIBLE GRACE
In addition to the outward general call to salvation which is made to everyone who hears the Gospel, the Holy Spirit extends to the elect a special inward call that inevitably brings them to salvation. The external call can be rejected by all (even by the elect for a while). Whereas the internal call cannot be rejected by the elect. God is sovereign. He cannot be resisted by man.

5. PERSEVERANCE OF THE SAINTS
All who were chosen by God, redeemed by Christ, and given faith by the Spirit are eternally saved. They are kept in faith by the power of Almighty God, and thus persevere to the end. Salvation is accomplished by the almighty power of the Triune God. The entire process (election, redemption, faith, regeneration) is the work of God and is by grace alone. Thus God, not man, determines who will be the recipients of salvation.

MR. TULIP and MR. FERN, HERE'S THE TRUTH
The TRUTH is: that salvation is all of Grace- from beginning to end (Eph.2:8,9); that the Elect are the 'WHOSOEVER wills' of John 3:16; that the Blood of Jesus Christ is sufficient for ALL-- efficient for those who believe (He died for ALL. I John 2:2); that the Lord has willed that man can will to not obey God's Sovereign Will (Matt.23:37); and, that we are kept by the power of God unto salvation (I Peter 1:5). The Bible teaches "CAL-MINIANISM"!

Now the question is do you believe John Calvin or James Arminius or THE TRUTH OF GOD'S WORD?

http://gospelpedlar.com/articles/Ch.../calvinism.html