FLIES IN THE OINTMENT

FLIES IN THE OINTMENT

"Dead flies make the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour." Ecclessiates 10:1

Ointment was a necessary luxury in Bible times. The anointing of the hair, face, and exposed skin was an important act of hygiene and grooming in the arid regions of the Holy Land. (II Sam. 12:20)

The ointment was made by an apothecary (chemist/perfumer). He ususally created the lotion by skillfully mixing precious spices and scents into an olive oil base.

The luscious odor from an open container of the ointment's spices and olive oil naturally attracted pesky flies. The unwitting flies became entrapped in the miry substance. They corrupted the ointment by their presence--causing the ointment to spoil and stink.

There are many practical lessons for us in this passage. The apothecary is the Lord. The olive oil is the Holy Spirit. The spice is the Christian's life. And, the sweet smelling savour (aroma) is the testimony produced by the Holy Spirit's work in and through the Christian's life (Philippians 4:18). Finally, the flies are the sins in the believer's life that spoil his testimony for the Lord. Notice the flies listed in Ecclesiastes chapter ten that preachers must avoid:


1. Uncontrolled emotions. Verse two states, "A wise man's heart is at his right hand, but a fool's heart is at his left."

The heart speaks of the center of emotion. The right hand speaks of power or control. Obviously, the lesson is that a person who cannot control his or her emotions (love, hate, anger, fear, joy, sadness, etc...) has a poor testimony. This is a rotten fly in many preacher's ointment, isn't it? Many preachers ruin their ministries with this rotten fly in the ointment.


2. Hypocrisy. Verse three says, "Yea also, when he that is a fool walketh by the way, his wisdom faileth him, and he saith to every one that he is a fool."

People who are inconsistent in their testimony are hypocrites. The way they act is affected by the company they keep. In church they act like a Christian. On the job they act like the world. I was witnessing to a man. He told me that he worked at a certain factory. I said, "Oh, then you must know Mr. So-and-so. He's a deacon at a (certain) church." When he heard that, he started to laugh. I asked why he was laughing. He said, "If he's a deacon, then I'm the Pope! Man, that guy has the foulest mouth in the factory."

People, who are hypocritical in their Christian life, have a fly in the ointment. It causes their testimony to stink.


3. Contempt for authority. Verse four warns, "If the spirit of the ruler rise up against thee, leave not thy place; for yielding pacifieth great offences."

The word "yielding" literally means "to heal". One can heal a situation by submitting or yielding to authority. Too many preachers get a "big head". They become an authority unto themselves. Friend, listen to the word of experience: Come down off of that high horse before God knocks you down.

Christians, who do not properly respect Divinely appointed authorities: government officials and law officers, spiritual leaders, or parents, are bad testimonies for the Lord. We are to conscientiously obey the higher powers. (Romans 13:1-5) We are to obey spiritual leaders. (Hebrews 13:17) Finally, we are to obey and honor our parents. (Col. 3:20, Ex. 20:12) Above all, we are to obey God.


4. A bitter spirit. Verse eight teaches, "He that diggeth a pit shall fall into it; and whoso breaketh a hedge, a serpent shall bite him."

There's nothing wrong with digging a pit or removing brush; except, when your purpose is to harm someone else. That is implicit in this verse and the one that follows. Digging a pit for someone to fall into will result in harm to yourself. (Gal. 6:7) Verse nine talks about removing boundary stones and timber from another's property. Again, you will reap what you sow. Although only the actions are spoken of in these verses, the motive behind such diabolical activity is clear- it is a bitter and jealous spirit. Consider the example of King Ahab and Naboth. (I Kings 21)

Some preachers are the most jealous people I know. Remember that covetousness is idolatry.

How many of us, instead of loving our neighbor, hold a grudge, and plot retaliation against our neighbor for having built a wall or having planted a tree one inch too close to the property line?

Have you ever witnessed to him or her? How can you witness when your testimony is so rotten? It stinks.


5. Lack of spirituality. Verse ten declares, "If the iron be blunt, and he do not whet the edge, then must he put more strength: but wisdom is profitable to direct."

You must be sharp spiritually. We are commanded to grow in the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. (II Peter 3:18) Preacher, are you growing in the Lord? Do you whet the edge of your spiritual life? Do you read His Word, pray, witness, fellowship, and serve Him? If not, then you are dull. A dull testimony is one that cannot be a sweet smelling savour in the nostrils of God or man.


6. Evil speaking. Verse eleven says, "Surely the serpent will bite without enchantment; and a babbler is no better."

This is a large fly in the ointment. There are more sins associated with speech than any other sin listed in the Bible: lying, blasphemy, boasting, gossip, back biting, cursing, etc... James, the brother of the Lord, states, "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man..." "perfect" means mature, of full moral and spiritual growth. A liar is at least carnal- maybe NOT even saved at all! A habitual liar has never been saved! (I John 3:9, Rev. 21:8)


How many Christians have spiritual halitosis? I've already mentioned a deacon whose testimony stunk because of lying. Have you ever been lied to by a Christian? Have you ever heard a brother or sister curse? How did it affect your opinion of him or her? If it adversely affects us, then what do you think it does to the lost? Read Eccles. 10:12-1 , and 20.


7. Slothfulness. Finally, verse eighteen tells us, "By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of hands the house droppeth through."

Laziness is a sin that ruins many preachers. King David is a tragic example of how a "man after God's own heart" can ruin his testimony. (II Samuel 11) David tarried in Jerusalem instead of going to battle. "It came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off of his bed (It's evening and he's still in bed!), and walked upon the roof of the king's house: ...and saw a woman washing herself", and the rest is a tragic story illustrating the adage- an idle mind is the Devil's workshop.

My father used to say, "Doc (his nickname for me--he thought that I, as an infant, bore a striking resemblance to one of the Seven Dwarves) you're so lazy that you stink." Well, Dad was right about two things: that I did bear a resemblance to Doc and that lazy people stink. Slothfulness will make your testimony stink!

Does your testimony send forth a sweetsmelling savour? Does it really? Maybe, you just think so!

Have you ever had a friend offer you a breath mint- at arm's length? You were embarrassed. You had not even realized that your breath smelled. Right?

If God tells you that you have an odor- don't be offended! Hey, what are friends for? Rather, thank the Lord for being a friend who will tell you the truth.

The best way to keep a sweetsmelling testimony is to keep the rotten flies out of your ointment. You can't keep flies from flying over the ointment; however, you can keep them from landing in the bowl. Keep it covered. If one gets in, then remove it immediately before it corrupts your testimony.



MY ADVICE ON PEST CONTROL:

Avoid flies--avoid temptation (I Tim.6:11). Remove the flies--if you sin, then repent and confess it immediately. (I John 1:9) Screen yourself from flies-- keep your testimony covered. (I John 1:7) Finally, use spiritual Fly Spray insect repellent--saturate yourself with the Word, "Thy Word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." (Psalm 119:11)

If you do these things, then your life will be "a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour"- well pleasing to the Lord. (Eph. 5:2)

THE CROWN OF THORNS

THE CROWN OF THORNS

Matthew 27:27 Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the common hall, and gathered unto him the whole band of soldiers. 28 And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe. 29 And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews! 30 And they spit upon him, and took the reed, and smote him on the head.

· Material— “the law of first mention” thorns = “sin” and “sin’s curse”

Gen 3:17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

· Mystery — “Caught in a thicket by his horns”

Gen 22:13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

· Mockery — “crowned” him but “mocked him”

A. They crowned Him BUT did not mean what they did

1. The soldiers dressed Jesus as a king a. The scarlet robe b. The crown of thorns c. They were only pretending—mockery

2. Many pretend that Jesus is their king a. He seems to be king at church, but not at home b. He seems to be king before believers, but not at work

3. The crown of thorns hurt Jesus, brought blood from His brow a. When we only pretend

we hurt our Lord

B. They Praised Jesus BUT did not mean what they said
1. "Hail, King of the Jews" a. These were words of praise b. But they were mocking words

2. Many say things about Jesus they do not mean a. Many songs are but lies b. Many commitments are never carried out c. Many testimonies don’t ring true

· Message — “they plaited” “”put it upon His head” Three Lessons

1. Galatians 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

2. Genesis 3:11Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

3. Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

HENNY BINN

Philippians 3:18-19, "For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ: whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things."

Charley looked normal. But, like many in that condition, he had a driver's license. AND, he used that license to satisfy his other driving passion--wrestling! He loved arena-sized studio "wrassling."

In fact, he lived and worked for Saturday nights. His whole life was wrapped up in wrestling. He knew all the different federations, leagues, organizations, and other menageries of wrestlers. He could name all the "wrasslers" and could recount most of the last hundred or so matches--in vivid detail with complete demonstrations.

He loved the screaming crowds. He loved the theatrics. He got caught up in the ecstatic shouting and senseless screaming. He loved to watch the body slams, pile-drivers, and knock outs.

He got angry--wrestling mad!--at those critics who called "wrassling" a fake and a fraud. He knew it was real. He had seen the blood. He had seen the wrestlers conked over the head with a metal folding chair. He had seen the slain--or seemingly slain--carried out by bodyguards. Charley boasted, "If it's a fraud--I'd know it! I can smell a fake a mile away!"

Evidently, he couldn't smell one any closer! This particular Saturday night, the parking lot was filled as usual, the same Saturday night crowd seemed to throng the entrances and fill the concessions area, and the same type of music blared from the arena; yet, this was not a typical Saturday night. Tonight's "Crusade" advertised on the marquee had no warriors--no "wrasslers''--that he recognized.

Nevertheless, Charley took his place--his favorite seat. He stomped. He sang, He swayed to the music. He tried to join in on what he thought was a wave or two. He was having a great time--as usual--until he noticed that there was no ring! It had taken a full fifteen minutes for Charley to realize that this wasn't canvas and that he had been snookered--in toto!

It hit him like a ton of bricks, "This was not a wrestling match and brother Henny is no wrassler!", he said. "If he is--he stinks!"

You can imagine how angry and how embarrassed Charley was when the truth finally hit him. He was absolutely flabbergasted. He felt like he had been piled on to by both sides of a tag team.

He should have known! He had wondered why he had paid so much to get in this time. Now he knew. This was studio religion--not wrestling!

He didn't know what to do. He saw an usher by the wall and made his way toward him. He wanted to demand to get his money back.

The usher saw Charley coming--in more ways than one. Charley fit the narrow criteria for being "stage-worthy", i.e. fairly dumb and healthy looking. The usher directed him to the stage--along with some of the others that had responded to brother Henny's call for those in need of a healing.

"Hey, buddy, I need some help...," is all that Charley said. That was all he needed to say.

"Please, just follow the others. Do what you're told. Brother Henny will help you," the assertive usher said.

Not everyone got sent in the same direction. The NSW's "the Non-Stage Worthy" got channeled to back rooms for a short group prayer, a quick daub of anointing oil, a little one inch square of prayer cloth--which workers pinned onto the Crusadee's lapels, a black and white 8X10 autographed picture of brother Henny, a tape of the Crusadette's music, and an escort out the back door. Charley would have probably been satisfied with that--in lieu of a complete refund. But, as fortune would have it, this fiasco was not to be that easy.

Charley was evidently so stage worthy that he got moved to the front of the line. One of the stage crew approached him and asked, "Brother, why have you come tonight?"

"I came to see the Devil Demon destroy the Dandy Deliverer!," Charley angrily shouted, "AND, I want my money--NOW!"

The shocked stage hand went to brother Henny and whispered in his ear, "Watch him. I think he's demon possessed!"

Brother Henny motioned for two assistants to bring Charley to the front of stage center. The assistants took Charley into protective custody--of sorts--and led him by each placing a hand firmly on his shoulder and grasping him by the arm with the other hand. Charley decided to go peaceably.

As Charley approached him, brother Henny started to wind up like a baseball pitcher--except he held a mike in his one hand and nothing in the other. As he wound up, Henny yelled into the mike, "Out! Out! OUT! You're gonna be out, demon!"

The crowd began to chant something. Charley didn't know what was happening.

Just as brother Henny released the invisible "ball of spirit power" right at Charley, the two stage hands pulled backward on the unsuspecting Charley. The next thing he knew he was slammed onto his back with two husky men pinning his shoulders to the stage. The crowd burst into loud applause.

Something snapped in Charley's mind. All those years of attending wrestling matches in this arena were about to pay off. Charley remembered seeing his hero, Hunk Holgren, in this very same predicament. He remembered what Hunk had done.

Without even thinking, he grabbed the two stage hands by the neck and crushed their heads together. They were out cold.

Brother Henny did not see what happened. He was recovering from the follow through on his pitch when he first saw the two assistants "slain" on the stage--lying against Charley. Brother Henny followed their lead and played along--as usual. "Oops! So sorry! I must have thrown too much--I've hit two of my helpers," he shouted to the crowd as he pointed in Charley's direction. He started to laugh! The crowd started to rant and chant.

Being laughed at was one thing that Charley could not take. Before he knew what he was doing, he lunged for Henny. He grabbed the little twerp by the scruff of the neck and the seat of his pink and white sequined suit and hoisted him above his head. Charley couldn't believe it! It was so easy! He whirled Henny around and around above his head. Before he got too dizzy, he stopped and flipped Henny upside down in front of him. He gave the head-down Henny a bear hug--crushing the air out of the charlatan's lungs. Then--just like on TV--Charley dropped to a seated position. Henny's head was "pile-driven" into the stage causing Henny to join his two assistants in assisted narcosis. Charley stood up, put his foot on Henny, and then spontaneously pounded his chest in a rage of victory.

One career ended that night--two more were born! Although Charley was arrested that night, he was later released and all charges were eventually dropped because a wise judge determined that Charley's actions were self-defense--of a sort.

The followers of brother Henny lost faith in him asking, "If he had so much power, why couldn't he beat Charley?", or, "If he was such a great healer, how's come he couldn't heal his concussion?" Seeing their healer in a neck brace and in the hospital was more than they could take.

And, Charley's prowess in the "ring" created a whole bevy of new wrestling fans that night. Most of them became lifelong fans of Charley--"The Charismatic Killer." Moreover, all the publicity that Charley got out of the "Crusade" incident earned him a place on next Saturday night's card. Charley was an instant success.

Eventually, after he had fully recovered, Henny became Charley's manager and a wrestling promoter. He had finally found his niche in entertainment. Some call him the Don King of wrestling!

If you are so disposed--and if Charley and Henny come to your arena--be sure to go see the show. Tell them that "Terry the Terrible" sent you.

THE WOMAN AT THE WELL

John 4:14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. 15 The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

She came ashamed and left assured.

She came burdened and left blessed.

She came care-filled and left carefree.

She came downtrodden and left upliftted.

She came empty and left with everything.

She came with fear and left with faith.

She came guilty and left glad.

She came hopeless and left healed.

She came a Jezebel and left justified.

She came a know-it-all and left with Truth..

She came with lust and left with love.

She came a mistress and left a Bride.

She came a pagan and left a partner.

She came in rags and left in robes of righteousness

She came sad and left satisfied.

She came a tramp and left a Child of God.

She came unsaved and left saved.

She came vacant and left victoriously.

She came for water and left with the Well.

--copied--

36 CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

36 CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

--copied via email--

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it .
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between
despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

--copied--

IMPEDI-MINTS TO WORSHIP

IMPEDI-MINTS TO WORSHIP
Pastor Terry Hagedorn

Mark 4:15 "And these are they by the way side, where the word is sown; but when they have heard, Satan cometh immediately, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts."

It might just be a piece of candy--a swirled red and white disc of candy, flavored with peppermint, and wrapped in cellophane--to you. And, you might have been lulled into thinking of it as only something that satisfies a sweet tooth, soothes a scratchy throat, or sweetens the breath. However, that little mint becomes a deadly weapon in the hand of some people! These people are serial killers--of a sort--in your church! They do not kill people--directly. They kill the spirit of a service.

They come in both genders, all sizes, all ages and all colors. They are either Christian or non-Christian. (Amazingly, the vast majority are Christian!) They slip into the services of your church armed and dangerous. Their weapons having been deftly concealed in a pocket or a purse. Even if your church had a metal detector, it would not stop their dastardly deeds. They would slip right through with their sucrose and cellophane weapon hidden somewhere on their person.

Who are they? What do they look like? How can one identify them? Well, that is not an easy task. Because, they look like me. They look like you. They even look like your uncle--or your grandmother! You cannot go by appearances. They just blend in. Then they pick off their innocent by-sitters--one by one.

How many times have I witnessed their mayhem while preaching from the pulpit or while listening from a pew to a guest preacher. Oh, the perpetrators would say that they are innocent--and, that they did not mean to kill anything, or anyone. Yet, isn't that what they all say?

The only way that you can identify them is by their M.O. (Latin, modus operandi--i.e. "method of operation"). If you are going to catch them, then you are going to have to catch them in action. You ask, "How hard can it be to catch someone eating candy?" Dear soul, it is not that simple. The candy monster is not the only serial killer in the church. Basically the M.O.'s fall into four categories--which can be generally identified by: the counter/mumbler, the clipper/manicurist, the curator of memorabilia, and--worst of all the aforementioned candy monster.

The counter/mumbler, whose favorite books in the Bible are Numbers, I Chronicles, and II Chronicles, is the one who counts people, pews, hymnals, light fixtures, electrical outlets, knots in the wood, tiles, perforations in ceiling tiles, etc. They are a nuisance to all those seated around them. Because, although they have their head pointed in a forward direction, their head is noticeably askance--tilted just enough to discombobulate the earnest seeker. Also, they sometimes have to point as they count. Oh, they do not blatantly point a finger out in front of them. No! They use an overt head nod or little finger point from wherever their hand might be resting--i.e. neatly folded on the lap, around a wife's shoulder, or resting on a Bible. The dead give away, however, is the occasional whispered slips, "one hundred nine... one hundred ten...one hundred 'leven". The really experienced counters can compute--in their head--the square footage of auditorium, the cubic footage of the building, and even the BTU index for the structure: i.e. If you were foolish enough to ask, then the response would be something like, "That's four times the cubic footage for a well insulated building and six times for a poorly insulated one. This building needs 1.5 million BTU for its HACV (Heating/Air Conditioning, and Ventilation)." YET, if you were to ask Mr. or Mrs. Calculator what the morning message was about, he--or she--is as dumb as a mud fence.

The clipper/manicurist works on his or her nails at a service. Somehow they can get multiple "clips" out of each and every nail. These folks need our prayer. Their nails are pretty; but, their souls are crooked, crusty, and coarse; and, they must be cursed with the fastest growing finger nails! Because, somehow, they are able to "clip...clip...clip!" during every service. They are real clip artists! Yet--make no mistake about it--it is an evil art! Only God knows how deadly a well placed "clip" can be. Without a doubt, it interferes with the working of the Holy Spirit. It is not that a little fifty-nine cent finger nail clipper is mightier than the Sword of the Spirit--or the Spirit. Rather, it is that the human heart is more tender than the finger nail. Do you ever think that the clipper/manicurist even considers the damaging effect that clipping has on the quick of a tender heart? Clipping nails, trimming nose hairs, plucking eyebrows or chin hairs, AND all other acts of personal hygiene--should be done in private. Please.

The curator of memorabilia uses the service to take a long leisurely stroll down memory lane. Hidden in the leaves of his or her otherwise unused Bible are hair clippings from children and grandchildren--neatly tied with an appropriate pink or blue ribbon, a card sent from a loved one--now long deceased, numerous obituary clippings, missionary prayer cards,are ejoyed with a smile, a pensive staring off into the past, a "hmm...", or even a chuckle! The parade of curiosities from the leather bound menagerie kept the spectators--seated all around the curator--from getting anything from the message.

Finally, the worst of all, is the candy monster. This person is the worst because of the number affected and because their method is such cruel and unusual torture. A "clip...clip" might be as far ranging; BUT, it is over in a snippet. However, the cruel candy monster has perfected the unwrapping of a single piece of candy so that it is clearly heard by everyone--even the deaf!--and does it so slowly that even the most spiritual saint is distracted. The candy monster has learned to stagger the intervals between the "crinkles" of unwrapping the candy--varying them from a few milli-seconds to as much as a quarter minute. The most skilled candy monsters can thus extend the torture for minutes--perhaps as much as nine to ten minutes! (These people are the same ones who would pull a band-aid off a child's scraped knee--one cell at a time! Or, if they were giving you an injection, they would take a minute and a half just pushing the needle in--and two minutes pulling it out! OR, if, while they were writing on a blackboard, the chalk started screeching, then they can stretch the screech out until everyone's teeth are on edge--EVEN THOSE WHO HAVE DENTURES! Do you get the picture? Need I say more??) Has it never occurred to the candy monster to place--just prior to the service--a piece or two of candy in a clean handkerchief?

People should go to church to worship the LORD. They should sit quietly and attentively. It is disrespectful to God, His Word, the preacher, and your brothers and sisters in the Lord to be so disruptive.

Don't be an accomplice to murder. Don't be an impedimint to the Gospel. Don't assist the Devil in stealing the Word from people's hearts. Just once--don't perform acts of personal hygiene in the service, don't count anything, and don't let your mind wander. Try going a whole hour without putting something in your mouth. And, who knows? You and everyone else are more likely to get something from the message!

THE MOST DANGEROUS CHURCH MEMBER

The Most Dangerous Church Member (c)
Pastor Terry K. Hagedorn

The pastor solemnly announced, "Sadly folks, the time has come for me to take action on a problem that is about to split our church. I hate to do it, but it must he done! In the Sunday evening service, 1 am going to name the member that is about to destroy this church."

A collective gasp rose from the audience. Instantly; murmurings and whispered discussions sprang from every corner of the auditorium. One woman almost fainted. While some faces turned deathly pale, other faces became two to three times redder than usual!

Who could it be? raced through many people's minds. More than one member suspiciously glanced at the other. Some craned their necks and rolled their eyes while still trying to appear to face forward. Eyes searched the crowd, trying to pick out the ornery rascal—or "rascalette."

One woman leaned over and pompously whispered to her friend., "I know who it is. Call me later, and I’ll tell you"

Evidently, she was not the only one who knew. Indeed, many phone lines burned that afternoon. Accusations and denials went flying: "I’ll bet it’s _______. You know what she told ______,don’t you?"

"Don’t you know _______ has been mad at Pastor ever since Pastor "Well, if it isn’t ______, then I don’t know who it could be . . . ."

In the course of that long, hot, sordid, summer afternoon, almost every member was riot only mentioned as the potential Judas, hut also unceremoniously tried and condemned in absentia. Some members actually looked forward to having the traitor publicly humiliated in the evening service, gloating, "It’s about time he got what’s coming!"

A small number of the self-repentant met with the pastor immediately after the morning service, they apologized with many tears, promising never to cause trouble again and confessing many hidden sins—if he just would not name them from the pulpit. The pastor sadly responded, "I’m sorry. I forgive you for any wrong you’ve done me, and I know that God. will forgive you as well. However, I said I was going to do it Now I have to do it" Some of the people’s contrition reminded the pastor of an American humorist’s story about the cannibals who received a nasty letter from a mission board because they had eaten two of its missionaries. The cannibals wrote back, "It was all a dreadful mistake. We are truly sorry that you have withdrawn your mission from our fair land. If you send us bigger missionaries, we promise never to do it again. You can take our word for it— honest!"

That afternoon the deacons called a secret meeting to discuss the emergency formation of a pulpit committee. "We aren’t supposed to meet like this, but we’ve got to think about the good of the church," the chairman of the deacons announced. "I was a deacon here when that whipper-snapper was in diapers, and I’ll he here when he is sent packin’. Mind, you, I’m just thinking about the church. Don’t get me wrong—---the pastor’s a good man and all. He was doing a good job, but now he’s stopped preachin’ and started meddlin’. The church is more important than any old pastor. Listen, if he names a name, I’ll immediately call for his resignation. Are you for me or against me?" The deacons voted unanimously to support him—just as their wives had told them to do.

Other members spent the day contemplating what other church they might attend after theirs "blows up." But they had no intention of looking for another church home that night. They wouldn’t miss the show for anything.

Some of those "church-shoppers" called pastors and members at surrounding churches, explaining, "I don’t want to gossip, but you should probably expect an increase in your membership. Isn’t it amazing how the biggest gossips usually start by claiming, "I’m not gossiping. . . ." or "I don’t mean to or want to gossip, but . . . ."

If their names were mentioned, some members planned to stand and publicly denounce their pastor. Others announced that they would stand with them.

The media was called and was told that trouble was brewing—maybe even a fight would erupt—at the church that night. The press promised full coverage with cameras inside and out. No one planned to miss the evening service. In fact, a record-breaking crowd attended—that many people hadn’t turned out for revival meetings! Even the pastor was amazed at the large crowd!

As the head. usher updated the brag board’s "Record Attendance" space, he fretted that he might not have enough 9s. He complained to his friend, "I told Pastor we needed more numbers three months ago! He isn’t so busy that he couldn’t have gotten them for me. Now what am I going to do? Our last pastor, may he rest in peace, always took care of those things. I don’t know about this one."

Finally, the moment of truth arrived. The pastor solemnly approached the pulpit. He carefully surveyed his audience.

The whole scene appeared almost apocalyptic. With a grave voice the pastor began, "I am now going to name the member that is going to split this church. He paused. "Please turn in your Bibles to James 3:5 and 6. ‘Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature . . . .’"

HOW TO HANDLE BOUTS OF JOY

HOW TO HANDLE BOUTS OF JOY

--from the pesteral epistle to Fritus by Apaul*

* Apaul of Tartarus, is the human author of the following epistles of the Nous Testament: Pro-man's, I&II Carnalians, Galivants, Effusians, Flippantians, Confusions, I&II Thatserroneous, I&II Apathy, Fritus, Fleament, and Beshrews (Some question Apaul's authorship of this last epistle. However, Martin Loser sums up this debate--as well as any: "Only a fraud knows for sure.")

Fritus, my son and my fellow minister, it really saddens me to tell you this. You will have to learn to deal with pesky bouts of joy in the ministry. It is unavoidable. However--do not despair--there are some things that you can do to lessen the intensity and duration of the joy.

This is important because joy can be absolutely devastating and demoralizing to a minister--and, therefore, to his ministry, and his family. Because, just as "the grass withereth, the flower fadeth", joy inevitably getteth the stuffing knocked out of it! Better sooner than later--as far as I am concerned! Why? Because, I--like many preachers--have learned that it is easier to just live in a constant state of doom, gloom, and despair than to go through these interminable bouts of ups and downs. Listen! If one doesn't climb the steps, one can't fall from the balcony. Right? How many people have fallen from the basement floor to their death? All right then, pay attention to my words, my son, Fritus.

Paul, the Apostle, makes typically convoluted references in his epistle to the Philippians to the three robbers of joy: PEOPLE, THINGS, and CIRCUMSTANCES. Anyone suffering with joy can aid and abet these three thieves to take care of the worst--most persistent--bouts of joy.

Each of the first three chapters of Philippians list one of the treatments for the scourge of joy. First, in Philippians 1:12, Paul refers to the weapon of CIRCUMSTANCES. We read, "But I would ye should understand, brethren, that the things which happened unto me have fallen out rather unto the furtherance of the gospel."

Do you think that a person could really be rejoicing about being in prison? Of course not! Think about it. If that is the right interpretation of this passage, then why do so few Christians emulate Paul's--alleged--joy? The reason is simple. He was actually saying--and most of us truly spiritual people have figured it out--that we should allow circumstances to nip joy in the bud.

For example: if the car breaks down, get despondent. Get angry. Kick or hit the car. Smash out a window--with your fist. Threaten to drive it over a cliff. Let your wife and children witness your display--they might as well learn to come down off of that balcony, as well. Right? Get angry about how you will pay for repairs. Yell at your wife about all the money she has been spending at the grocery store for food--generic and sales items. Remind her about that new dress she got last year. Berate your children for breaking their crayons, remind them that "toys cost money!". You might as well as make your home miserable. It will toughen up everybody for the "real world."

After all is said and done, you can pray and have faith in God's Word--if you must. Try trusting the providence, purpose, plan, protection, and provision of God. Be like Job--if you must--who said, "What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" Claim that Romans 8:28 does really apply to "all things""--if you must! But, as for me, I will be take the low road. The joyless road--the realistic road--is the one for me.

Secondly, if circumstances won't do the trick, PEOPLE are great at ruining your

joy. Fritus, do you remember what I told you? The ministry would be great--if it weren't for people. Philippians 2:2-4 states, "Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others."

There are basically two types of people in the church: Saints and Aints. Now--be truthful--which are there more of in the church? Aints. Right? Does that tell us anything about Paul's real message in the aforementioned passage? Duh!

People will rob you of ALL joy--if one will only let them! Don't fight it. Give into the Aint Saint taint. Let the unfaithfulness of the few overshadow the faithfulness of the many. Let what one person says--or does not say--affect how you relate to all of the others n the church. Begin to think of people as the problem. Try to please all men. In fact, let men--and the fear of man--control you. And, I guarantee you that you will be joyless. Remember: stay off the joy balcony and you won't hit the joyless ground.

Finally, what CIRCUMSTANCES and PEOPLE can't do, there are THINGS that can! Seek fame, fancy, fanfare, fashion, favor, feasts, fees, felicity, finances, first, flattery, flavor, flesh, flings, fluency, folderol, food, force, fornication, fortune, freedom (licentiousness), frolic, fun, funds, furs, furtherance, AND YOU'LL NEVER NO JOY! I guarantee it! More than that--God Himself guarantees it!

If you must--if you want joy--then seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness! However, only do it to get things--to get stuff. It's things and the temporal happiness that they can bring that matter the most! Just look at the average Christian! Paul didn't mean what he said; and, anyone who believes that he did should have all their stuff taken from them and given to me! Remember the bumper sticker that we saw on that chariot? It said, "He who dies with the most stuff--WINS!! Hey man! That's preachin'!

Listen to the "Faith Preachers" of our day. They preach health and wealth and "Name it--claim it!" I call it "Blab it--grab it" prosperity-type religion. Now, that's my kind of religion! Don't promise me pie-in-the-sky religion--when I can have Cheesecake Christianity now! You only go around once--go with gusto! Get stuff! Get what you can--"while the gettin' is good."

Fritus, don't try to be victorious over circumstances through faith, prayer, and the Word--get tough. And, forget people. Live for self! And, you'll never be plagued with joy.

HOW TO WRESTLE A MULE—OR PASTOR

HOW TO WRESTLE A MULE—OR PASTOR

Pastor Terry K. Hagedorn, Calvary Baptist Church, Reedsville, WV

Sometimes pastoring a church is like wrestling a mule; although, it is not as much fun--AND, you always get hurt much worse. As anyone knows, the object of mule wrestling is to pin the mule's shoulder--either one--to the ground for a count of three.

In pastoring, you just try to survive three weeks, three months, three years, and then three decades or more. Any score between three years and three decades is considered a "pin".

Generally speaking, mules and churches present themselves for wrestling in one of three stances: the standing, the sitting, or the supine. (Mules usually don't run when it comes to wrestling. They are real sports about that. Churches can't run--they just split.)

The supine, lying down, mule is the easiest to wrestle. If it is alive, then just go over, pin it, and count, "1-2-3", real fast. You win! However, this never happens. Nothing in pastoring or mule wrestling is ever that easy. Believe me!

Sometimes--when the mule or church is lying down--it is because it is dead. In such cases, it is not considered either sportsmanlike or profitable to wrestle the mule--just take its shoes for scrap iron, cut off its tail for a souvenir , bury it and then say, "Adios!"

This seems like the obvious thing to do. Doesn't it? However, to most people's amazement, many--otherwise intelligent--men do wrestle dead mules. They never learn to simply say, "Adios" in any language or any way. After a while, you never hear anything more from them. Putrefaction gets them--probably. If it doesn't--it should have.

When a church is spiritually on its side--belly up for all practical purposes--it is probably dead, as well. (Revelation 3:1) In such cases, the church should just be allowed--or even encouraged--to close up. Don't feel guilty about this particular turn of events. Believe me! You are doing the Lord's work! The Devil would rather run a church than close it up. Any church that can close--should close! And, a dead mule should be buried.

Secondly, some mules are sitting--hunkered down into a stubbornly steadfast position. It is virtually impossible to pin the mule in such cases. You can try. However, the attempt usually just degenerates into your making a monumental spectacle of yourself. No matter how you try--you cannot get the mule off balance. It is exasperating--believe me. I've tried. Many of the men, who attempt this futile assault, die from shear exhaustion or rethink their commitment--i.e. sometimes others rethink their commitment . Or, this decision is made for them by the angry mule or church--which is the best for the wrestler, the mule and all others concerned. You see, the sitting mule is in what we call in the classic five point stance: the two front legs, its two hind legs, and its rump. It is that rump that gets you. (Most people are not aware that mules have a prehensile rump. It is used as an anchor--of sorts. Usually, he is a deacon.)

Wrestling a standing mule is about the easiest that it comes. However, there are three ways to make your attack: the frontal, side, or rear assault (or insult--as the case may be). Your choice of tactics determines your success. This is important--remember this fact for later reference.

The rear assault is one of the most dangerous and stupid plans of attack. This is why it is the one that EVERY novice mule wrestler tries first--probably for both of the aforementioned reasons. The tail--attached to the prehensile rump--is just a too tempting handle. However, one should remember that this "handle" also works the kick and drag mechanism. If one survives learning that fact, then another--less painful--tact is almost always decided upon. Although, this wrestler [the author] has made the keen observation that there are many men who never make the connection between the pulling the tail action and the resultant kick reaction. Fortunately--sooner or later--the wrestler gets kicked in the head. Usually, this either kills him or improves his thinking skills--sometimes both.

The side attack requires some underhanded--or underbelly--maneuvering. Although you can tip a sleeping cow, you cannot tip a mule--asleep or awake! You see... this particular mule take-down requires that you reach under the mule's belly, grab the mule's outside legs, and jerk hard--REAL HARD! However, this never works; because--of course--the mule goes into the classic straddle-stance. In which, he just spreads his legs as far apart in all the cardinal directions--north, south, east, and west. This defensive position places the wrestler in an only slightly less difficult predicament than trying to attack the sitting stance.

Be advised: this tactic is more dangerous than trying to budge a sitting mule. Uncle Floyd found that out. He tried the grab and jerk maneuver. However, the mule did not fall over--he just settled down and squashed Floyd dead. This is how he (Floyd) met his Maker. There is one move that might work against the straddle-stance. Although, to date, it has never been used on a mule. A pastor friend of mine tried to baptize a rather large woman, who was proportionately afraid of the water. When the pastor tried to dunk her, she locked her arms to the side of the tank and refused to submerge. Although the pastor was applying more than sufficient backward and downward force, she was relentless in her opposition. So, it occurred to the pastor to attempt the knee collapse maneuver. In which, as you might remember from school yard pranks, this is the one in which you come from behind a person and knee the victim in the back of his or her knee--causing the knee to buckle. Sometimes the victim collapses to the ground. This is great humor to some--except the collapsed. Since no one could see him do that, the pastor tried it. Well, it did not work that well. Although it did break her hold on the tank and did cause her to go under, she pulled the pastor under with her. What happened next was more spectacular than a tank full of octopi--at feeding time. Pastor and the baptizee were under the water for a long time. People sat in stunned silence--not knowing what to do. Some thought that they should attempt a rescue; however, they did not want to violate the implied sanctity of the service. Plus, they had faith they everything would work out okay. Fortunately, since there is only one way to go from the bottom of the tank, the pastor and the woman eventually surfaced--arms flailing. Thus, they survived the watery ordeal.

Listen! The only way to approach mule wrestling and pastoring is head on--the good old frontal approach. Be up front and forthright. Don't try any monkey--or donkey--business. Let the other contestants see who and what you are. Speak plainly. Be open and honest.

Approach the mule--staring it down. When you get close enough, then grab the mule around the neck reaching your arm entirely around the creatures throat and grab the ear closest to you. Hold on with all your might and pull! This should cause the mule to jerk its head in your direction--lifting you off of the ground. At that very instant, bite the mule with all the teeth and strength you've got on the soft spot between its nostrils. Become as dead weight and collapse to the floor--STILL HOLDING THE EAR AND BITING THE MULES NOSE! Do not let up until the stupefied mule falls to ground and cries, "Uncle!--Uncle Floyd!!" An easy pin should follow. (I know that the SPCA will condemn this tactic; however, any other take-down gives the mule the advantage.)

If--for any reason--you do not feel that you can mule wrestle in this manner, then NEVER TRY PASTORING!